Sometimes I wish I could rid myself of all insecurity and fear. I wish I could reach inside and pull out the me that is passionate and confident and intelligent. I wish I could clearly share all of the things inside me that cause my legs to tremble and cause my first waking moments to be about the pain and hurt and disappointment I have experienced. I wish I could make people understand WHY I am so deeply in love with my husband…how even in our deepest struggles my love for him and his love for me was so woven into this king-sized comforter than we both can run to for warmth and compassion and acceptance…that I cannot imagine, cannot fathom a life without him wrapped up in that king-sized comforter holding me. I want to find my voice. I want to write with the passion I have inside. I want to share the profound things that God has taught me. I want to point fingers and ask questions and yell a bit and cry a lot. And like all other people who are cautiously walking on that fence between keeping secrets and screaming the truth, I want to know why. I want to know that all of these beautiful truths God has revealed to me…has blessed me with…have a purpose.
I found the above draft today. It was written August 2, 2014. Summer seems to be the ideal time for me to blog, but I didn’t realize until today how often I tend to save drafts rather than publish. Then I read this draft and understood. Putting yourself out there is scary. Insecurity is my nemesis. My goal this summer is to face the fear and hit publish each time I write a blog entry. This isn’t about being a great writer. This is about sharing my thoughts and experiences with my family and anyone else who needs encouragement.